The Life & Adventures of Kid Moody

A Screenplay by Schubert the Schnauzer

Scene 1.

INT. MELODY KENNELS. NIGHT-

BLACKNESS- In the distance, we hear the muffled whimpering of a dog.

FADE TO: The camera creeps through the dim halls of a farm house, lined with dog crates and small cages. Inside the cages, dozens of miniature schnauzers, of various sizes, sleep in silent peace. Still, the whimpers can be heard from somewhere along the hall.

DOLLY TO: A small cage in the corner of the house. A young schnauzer- KID MOODY- sleeps inside. He twitches, and his feet jerk back and forth, involuntarily. His head tosses every few seconds, and he emits a muffled yelp or two. He is the source of the mysterious whimpering. Suddenly, KID MOODY’S movements become more frenetic. His yelping grows louder!

PUSH IN: As, with a loud bark, KID MOODY jerks awake, and springs to his feet. His eyes are wide and alert. He is panting. His quickly looks about, sniffs the air, then relaxes.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL: Another dog, ANNIKO, watching him with an air of nonplussed concern.

ANNIKO

Hey! Kid! Kid Moody? What gives?

Moody stares off into the distance. He doesn’t seem to hear her.

ANNIKO

You was barking again. In your sleep. Loudly. We need our beauty rest. You included, handsome.

KID MOODY

I was having a dream. A very strange dream.

ANNIKO

You and your nightmares! Was something chasing you?

KID MOODY

No. Something was being chased - by me.

ANNIKO

Oh! Oh, you poor little sexy little thing! That’s awful! You must have been terrified! Imagine a schnauzer chasing something! Yech! That must have been just- just yech!

KID MOODY

It... It was wonderful.

ANNIKO seems disturbed by this. She snorts and trots off to a far corner of the cage to sleep. KID MOODY puts a paw up to the bars of his kennel and stares out.

Scene 2.

INT. MELODY KENNELS. DAY.

The morning sun shines down on the cages. The schnauzers are waking up, stretching a yawning. The door to the room swings open, and the puppies bark excitedly, hopping about and wagging their tales, as if to scream out: Look at me! Look at me!

CUT TO: Kid Moody, thoughtfully watching the excitement, with the hint of a wry smile on his muzzle.

WHIP AROUND TO: The door to the room swings open and two hideous, gigantic human beings burst in. The woman, KATE, is voluminous and pasty, with frizzy hair and a look of demented self importance. The man, Kurt, is angular and tall. He has a look of cruel stupidity, which is kept in check by his fear of KATE. Being human, they speak a gruff patois, which is largely unintelligible to the canine world.

KATE

Imba cho nichu, Kurt! Nichu wa!

KURT

Hoam bo, la.

With weary resignation, Kurt follows Kate’s command and pours food in the cages. The schnauzers yip out praise and thanks, save for KID MOODY, who is silent. Suddenly, KATE’s limpid eyes, seize on MOODY. She points a sausagy digit his way.

KATE

Whadi ta baff? Baff! Baff! Baff la mo!

KURT

Mo rum ba?

KATE

Gig ra titti mur la gar, Kurt! Baff la mo! Mo!

KURT shrugs his shoulders, sulks over to the cage in the corner, and grabs ANNIKO by the scruff of the neck.

ANNIKO

Wee!

KATE

No! No! Rum bo la! La!

KURT rolls his eyes, drops ANNIKO, and grabs KID MOODY by the scruff of the neck.

ANNIKO

Oh, poop.

KID MOODY

What going on? Let me go!

KURT places KID MOODY on a table. KATE pulls a filthy tailor’s measure tape from her sweaty cleavage and deftly takes the confused schnauzer’s measurements, all the while clucking approvingly to herself. She pries open the dog’s eyes, and mouth. Then examines his ears and nails. She seems extremely pleased with the results.

KATE

Gor rido mata agomi!

KURT

Geebo.

KURT reverently returns KID MOODY to his cage, and pats him gently on the head. Then the two humans quickly depart. The schnauzers stare at KID MOODY with awe and envy.

KID MOODY

What was that all about?

ANNIKO

I think they’ve picked you to be a show dog! It’s the highest honour a schnauzer can know! It’s why we’re on this earth.

An elderly dog wearing a silk top hat and an impressively grand blue ribbon on his collar calls out from another cage. We’ll call him GABLE.

GABLE

Those were impressive stats, boy. You must be pretty high on yourself.

KID MOODY

I don’t know what you mean, sir?

GABLE

Didn’t you hear the humans call your stats out? You’ll never win Best In Show if you’re hard of hearing.

KID MOODY

My hearing is fine. I don’t speak human.

GABLE

You don’t speak human? Well, I guess that’s not as important as it was it my day. Now a pup can get by on just a few words. A sit. A stay. A supper time. That’s all you youngsters ever bother with. It’s sad what the Schnauzer Line has come to.

KID MOODY

I have nothing against learning human.

GABLE

Whatever. With your stats I reckon it’s not urgent. A dog can go far on a pretty snout and strong withers.

KID MOODY

I have those?

GABLE

I’ll say! You’re exactly fourteen inches in height, with small, dark eyes, a strong, rectangular head and a well arched neck that blends into your shoulders which in turn slope into a smooth, straight backline and a brisket which extends to your elbows. Your withers are your highest point! Your pasterns are petite and parallel! Your double coat is wiry on the outside, and close and cropped on the underside. I haven’t heard stats that close to the Breed Standard since I myself won Best in Show as a whelp!

ANNIKO

You won Best in Show!

GABLE

Three times! And over half a dozen times I was Best in Group.

ANNIKO

Wow! Just wow!

GABLE

It’s the most important thing a schnauzer can be, Boy. Best in Show. And you just might make it. Best of luck to you.

ANNIKO

Wow. Oh wow. Oh oh wow.

Scene 3.

INT. MELODY KENNELS. NIGHT.

KID MOODY is awake, while the other dogs sleep. He stares out with a vague melancholy, brooding gaze.

KID MOODY (V.O.)

It’s not right. There has to be more to it than blue ribbons and best in shows. There has to be.

There is a small rustling sound. KID MOODY suddenly leaps to his feet. His ears cock forward. Every muscle is on the alert.

CUT TO: A hideous grey rat scurries into the room, searching for food. It skulks down the hall. Three or four of the other schnauzers wake, see it, and then fall back to sleep, uninterested. The rat reaches KID MOODY’s cage, and the dog and rodent stare each other face to face. KID MOODY barely moves a muscle.

KID MOODY (Whispers)

Anniko! Anniko! Wake up! Look at this! Psst!

ANNIKO wakes, and sees the rat, but is unimpressed.

ANNIKO

It’s just that old rat. Go back to sleep. It comes by every night to get some food.

KID MOODY

Back to sleep! Are you crazy! Look at it! (TO THE RAT) Ruff! Back off! Ruff! I’ll get you you little pestilent lice-monger! You fiend! I’ll tear your head from your body with the snap of my teeth! Ruff! RUFF! RUFF!

ANNIKO

Kid! What’s got in to you!

KID MOODY

I don’t know! But it feels great!

The Rat hunches up in attack position and hisses visciously!

KID MOODY

GAARUFFFF!!

The rat turns tail, and flees in terror.

KID MOODY

That’s right! You’d better run!

ANNIKO

You’ve gone crazy! Don’t act like that! The disqualify show dogs who are too aggressive, you know!

KID MOODY

I’m not going to be a show dog.

KID MOODY starts to work on the lock of his cage, trying to chew it loose.

ANNIKO

What?

KID MOODY

You heard me! I see it now! I see my destiny!

The cage door bursts loose and KID MOODY jumps free!

KID MOODY

I’m going to be a Rat Catcher!!

KID MOODY runs off into the night! We can hear distant shouts of “Rats beware! Kid Moody is on your tail!” GABLE and ANNIKO exchange a look.

ANNIKO

Who ever heard of a schnauzer catching rats?!

GABLE

The bitch who whelped me said her grandsire caught sewer rats in Germany but I thought it too fantastic to be true.

As ANNIKO and GABLE think this over, a misty look comes over them. They soften, and begin to seem a little dreamy.

ANNIKO

Rat catching...

GABLE

Too fantastic to be true...

FADE OUT.